Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been dating someone for about six months. After taking it slow and casual, including dating other people, we got serious and exclusive three months ago.
One of the areas we clicked on from the start was travel, sharing a similar love for Hawaii and some special spots in California and Mexico. So naturally we talked about taking our first big trip this winter, first jokingly and then seriously. We agreed it would be great to share each other’s favorite travel locations and see how well we travel together, make decisions as a team, etc. So when the dividend check arrived this month, along with all the big travel and airlines sales, I figured it was the perfect opportunity to put a trip together. Wrong. She dropped a bomb on me, saying she couldn’t pull it off right now because almost all of her dividend is garnished and has been for years. She then admitted that a percentage of her paychecks are garnished, too, and that while she isn’t broke or living check to check, she doesn’t have a lot of extra cash, which is why she hasn’t been out of state in a while. I was stunned and then she really shocked me saying that right now she’s not ready to get into the details, that it’s an “embarrassing part of my past,” and that it is very personal. And while she respects me and wants to build trust, it’s not something she plans to talk about until she’s ready. Whoa!
Before we got serious, I did the usual CourtView search on her, and dug through her social media, and everything was pretty standard — a few speeding tickets, some partying pictures, etc. After hearing the whole dividend thing, I went back to the internet and dug even deeper but couldn’t find anything. So weird. My mind is racing — like did she go crazy ex-girlfriend on the longtime boyfriend she hasn’t said one good word about since we got serious? Did she settle out of court for something worse?
So now someone I thought I knew pretty well is a complete mystery. I want to stick it out because I feel like we have great chemistry and potential, but this is a pretty massive red flag. My two closest friends and my sister are torn: they like her a lot too and see how happy we are together, but are just as confused and worried as I am. They ultimately tell me to trust my gut. Let me tell you, my gut isn’t helping, either! I don’t know what to do. How about you two?
Wanda says:
Great chemistry is important in a relationship. Also and even more important: communication and trust. Because while the I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off phase is fun, inevitably it dims — and in the meantime, communication and trust should only grow and deepen. Starting your fledgling relationship off in a space of questions and uncertainty is a tough launch, no matter how fun and sexy she is.
I can sympathize that she doesn’t want some massive mistake from her past to be an identifying quality as you get to know each other. It’s also unrealistic to expect you can just look the other way and pretend she isn’t dealing with something colossal and traumatic from her past. It’s also unfair to build up this shared love of travel and expectations for a big vacation when she never expected to be able to swing it.
This relationship isn’t doomed yet; but she has to give you more if she expects you to give her the benefit of the doubt. You don’t need the gory details of her court files/charging documents/exposé, but you do need assurance and to be trusted with at least the basics of what she’s been through. And she needs to commit to being open with you going forward about her past, her financial situation, and everything else.
Wayne says:
From winter vacation to mystery staycation. Congrats — you may have just experienced the shortest honeymoon phase ever! Nothing like a cold, wet blanket of drama to drown out any and all hot-and-heavy relationship momentum.
Look, her issue could be something as simple, reasonable, and forgiving as a few years of not filing tax returns as a naïve young adult working summer and after-school jobs. Or it could be something as wild as, yes, a post-relationship meltdown involving property or personal damages resulting in an out-of-court settlement. Or hell, she could have gotten into a gnarly brawl with an endangered cassowary during spring break in Australia, creating an awkward and expensive international incident.
Point is, it could be anything, and she isn’t telling you. It’s understandable that she’s not an open book about the dark places of her past after dating you for a few months. And it’s also understandable that you probably can’t get through a dinner date without thinking about what she’s hiding and if this is going to be a relationship filled with not-so-fun surprises.
It’s a tough spot, but you noted a big red flag and trusting your gut. You should probably run with that and dial back the relationship for now. If you’ve asked her about it and offered a safe place of listening and understanding but she’s still closed off, you’ve done all that you can. Time to take care of yourself.
[Wayne and Wanda: As part of her ‘personal health journey,’ my new girlfriend uses marijuana daily]
[Wayne and Wanda: After a promising start, I’ve been ghosted on a dating app]
[Dear Annie: My friend makes everything all about her]
[Wayne & Wanda: My girlfriend is turning 40 and has gone into a tailspin reflecting on what she has — and hasn’t — achieved]
